|
Back in college, Cousin Mat gave my movie collection the nickname "Saturn's Vault." Long story.
In any case, while I've been sick, I've been browsing b-movies, horror films, and slasher flicks. I'm very proud of my collection. It is quite vast and diverse. More impressive, most of my titles were random gifts from people who found them in various bargain bins, by and large at Big Lots.
Many are iffy. Some are classic, and I LOVE them. Over about the past 48 hours, I watch 4 fantastically cheesy horror flicks that have set the bar SOOOOOOOOOOO high that I'm afraid to stick another DVD in the player. In the order I watched them:
Disclaimer: these movies are SOOOOOOOOOOOO bad, I'm pretty much giving away every teaser and plot twist. If you plan to watch them and want to be surprised, don't read.
1. Horror Rises fromt he Tomb - A gift from Wudda and Lisa. The story of an evil baron an his wife who rise from the grave to take over the world. Bad acting, and terrible 70s cliches. In the end scene, the surviving virgin heroine saves the day by pressing a magic talisman against the baron's forehead. His head then falls off.
2. Return of the Living Dead - Like all zombie apocalypse movies, people try to escape the living dead and are eaten. What makes this one great? In an attempt to escape the funeral parlor where they are trapped, the heroes call an ambulance. The EMTs jump out to go into the building but promptly have their brains eaten by zombies. One of the living dead gets ahold of the intercom. "WEEEEEE NEEEEEEEED MORE PARAMEDIIIIIIIIIIIIIICS!" Four ambulances later, the EMTs rush to the rescue with similar grim results.
3. Don't Look in the Basement - ANOTHER great gift from Wudda and Lisa. Exploitation and B Movie prototype, CUT AND DRY. Reminiscent of every haunted house you went to as a child, this is the story of a whodunnit in a rural, secluded sanitarium. A doctor tries a controversial new type of milieu therapy where psychiatric patients are allowed to live and interact with one another in their fantasy worlds until they go over the edge and realize on their own that they are crazy. The downside? People keep dying, and its up to the new RN to find out who is behind the greusome murders.
4. Hard Rock Zombies - From the dollar bin at Big Lots, I watched this last night and cannot, for the life of me figure out how to describe the plot. Adolf Hitler is alive and well in southern California, and has raised a family of murderers. He kidnaps an 80s heavy metal band and kills them for sport. However, realizing that his end is near, the lead singer gives his girlfriend a cassette of an ancient song that, when played, can bring back the dead. The girlfriend plays the song over their graves and they rise from the tomb to finish off Hitler and his family. Little did they realize this itself would bring about the next zombie apocalypse.
Did you just get dumber by reading that? Oh, it gets better. There are also elements of David Lee Roth style 80s music videos, virgin sacrifices, Nazi gas chambers, small town anti-metal sentiment, the exploitation of little people, werewolves, cannibalism, hixploitation, mass decapitation, and a Tawny Kitain ripoff who dances in the streets and on top of cars while leading the zombie army in its flesh eating exploits. There is probably more to this film, but it hurts my brain to think about it. Still, I'm afraid to watch another move 'cause I got nowhere but downhill to go from here!
|
